We’re in the middle of another series of goodbyes, and my mind is overloaded with the little details: the friend I didn’t call before leaving Birmingham, the email I haven’t returned, the items I need to pack, the shuttle service that hasn’t sent a final confirmation, the items I may have forgotten to purchase.

Last night, after saying goodbye to my dad, Frank and I had a rare moment of pillow talk that turned into a counseling session. We started talking about all the things we need to do, and before I realized it I started venting about a family member who I struggle to love. Frank was giving really good advice, but I couldn’t let it go. To be honest, God has been telling me to give this person to him. I haven’t listened, and I’ve been holding on to years of hurt and need.

As I talked, I realized that I’ve collected a list of hurts over the last week which have left me in a vulnerable position, incapable of having a healthy level of detachment from this family member. This list is full of interactions and situations that have triggered the voice in my head telling me “You’re not good enough.” It’s an ugly voice, and one I’m not immediately aware of. It takes days to consciously hear it. Last Thursday, it was a subconscious whisper. Sunday, it was a conscious whisper. Wednesday, it was a voice. From one Thursday to the next, it turned into a full on shout. The final defeat is when I say to the shout, “I give up. You’re right. I’m not good enough.”

There are moments when my co-dependency reaches out and slaps me in my face. This was one of them. I realized how deeply I need for people to like me, to approve of who I am. It’s hard to recover when someone is vocal about their disapproval, even when I know I’ve made the right decisions for myself. Even when I know God is happy with me.

I’m learning I’m not the only person who struggles with this. We are all needy, in need of fulfilling lasting relationships with people who know us intimately. We need people who enjoy who we are, even when they wouldn’t make the same life choices.

I woke up this morning with new hope. The hope that comes from Christ and his complete love for me. I read the famous passage in the Bible about love, but I read it with the filter of God being love, and it had new meaning. I rewrite it in my head:

God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud. He is not rude, he isn’t self-seeking, he is not easily angered, he keeps no record of my wrongs. God does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled. where there is knowledge, it will pass away. But God? He will never pass away, he will never cease, he will never be stilled.

In the end, I realize that I am not destroyed. The voice isn’t truth. It isn’t the voice of love. So today, I’m changing the station. I’m listening to the voice of love, through music, Frank and words of love. I’m listening to the voice of my Creator.